Bulky Villainous Organ of Time
by JimHarbis
Summary: Follows Ganondorf through Link's 7-year slumber as he "wreaks havoc" and messes up the Temples.
1. Author's Notes And Prologue

Author's Notes:

Good Lord! This is paired with the prologue, and not its own file! Anyway, I thought of this while I was ripping nails out of boards yesterday. Sure, Link goes through the temples, restores order, and saves Zelda… but what about Ganondorf? For example: how in the HELL does Ganondorf screw the temples up in the first place? Is he even the one doing the screwing-up? This will be a parody/adventure, (as described in the information before you clicked on this story) and will follow Ganondorf through his [mis]adventure to wreak havoc in Hyrule!

([ ] indicate thoughts. _**Bold Italics **_indicate the Great Deku Tree.)

I now present to you…

Legend of Zelda: Bulky Villainous Organ of Time!

_**In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule... long I have served as the guar- holy shit! Mmm. Nevermind. I thought I felt an armored parasite giving birth in my lower cavities. Anyways, **__**long have I served as the guardian spirit... I am known as the Deku Tree... The children of the forest, the Kok-**_

"Hey!"

_**What the…**_

"Listen!"

_**Oh, gods! It's an annoying-ass fairy! Where the Holodrum did you come from?**_

"Great Deku tree, you just sent me to wake up the lazy Hylia-"

_**Spoilers, Navi! Spoilers!**_

"Right! Sorry. Great Deku Tree, you just sent me to wake up the lazy **Click to show spoiler**! I need some help! He will not wake up!

A small, scrawny boy in green garb tugged at his Quabalah bracelet in his sleep. Muttering something about downloadable content replacing retail, he shuddered and turned his head over on his bed. In his dream, he was chasing Billy Ray Cyrus around an Olympic pool. Link caught Billy by the neck, clamped a hand over his mouth, and declared that if Billy were ever to sing again, Link would force him to tell Navi not to not annoy Link in the future.

_**I can sense his angst. The poor child is plagued by prophecies of Billy Ray Cyrus singing, and the PSPgo coming out atop all other handheld systems. I wish I could rid him of these utterly horrible revelations.**_

"I know how he feels. Once there was a time when I-"

_**Navi, go now! Find our young friend and guide him to me. Fly, Navi, fly! The fate of the home console market, nay, the future of country music, depends upon thee! **_

"All right then, I'll see you around! Hoot hoot hoot hoo!" someone said before Navi could get a word out.

Quickly, Navi buzzed away, trying to punch Mido in the face as she flew by, muchfaster than she should have, which sent her in a random direction near the Know-It-All Brothers' house. Shaking her head from the sudden disorientation and Lady Gaga music the Know-It-All Brothers were piping from their ghetto bass, she speedily flew into the protective fence of the mini-plateau.

_Crap! _She thought, face-palming herself. This was going to take longer than she had previously anticipated Great Deku Tree sensed Navi's flying troubles, and face-palmed himself using the Force.

_**I hope I don't go back to snorting cocaine... I'm glad I don't do that anymore. that wonderful man Ganondorf helped me get over my cocaine addiction. Such a wonderful man...**_

~One day before~

"Hell yes!" Ganondorf cried, taking all the poker chips from the table. He jumped up and began his victory dance_**. **_His small poker group, consisting of Ingo, Big Goron The Lakeside Scientist, The Great Deku Tree, and the Windmill Guy, was not amused.

"You should sit down, Ganondorf." The Scientist said. "Don't make me call your mothers!"Ganondorf shrunk back as he heard that, remembering how badly his mothers had beaten him last time he had danced.

~Ganondorf, age 11~

"Ooh! Listen to that music!" Ganondorf happily yelled, as the sights and sound of Castle Town. "De neh ne-ne-ne-ne, de neh do do DO! De neh neh ne-ne-ne-ne, neh ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh!" Ganon sang while he popped and locked around the busy market square, knocking over the local inhabitants and squashing a Cuckoo. Koume and Kotake swiftly turned around and each grabbed Young Ganondorf by his ears, drug him behind the town into the alley, and Koume held his hands behind his back while Kotake punched him repeatedly.

"There is to be NO dancing of any kind!" The witches said in unison.

"But why, mothers?" Ganondorf asked, crying, through broken teeth and bloody lips.

"It's gross!" yelled Koume.

"It's against our religion!" Kotake yelled.

"THAT DANCE HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!" They screeched in perfect timimng.

~Ganondorf, present time~

Ganon shuddered. Out of all the things for a strong, sexy Gerudo like him to remember, it had to be that. "So, how have you been lately, ol' Deku Tree ol' buddy ol' pal?" Ganon asked the giant fibrous root, eyes listing rapidly in every direction.

_**All is not well, my Gerudo friend. You have just taken all of our money, and I needed some to buy more cocaine later. I need a fix, 'cause I'm going down.**_

Ganondorf was shocked. "Great Deku Tree, no! You can't be serious! When did this start?"

_**A few hours ago. Do you know how many Deku Seed pouches I need to buy at once? One hundred and sixty-seven! It's a wonder the cocaine business hasn't been deprived of all ingredients because of the amounts I buy.**_

"Listen," Ganondorf replied, bowing before the tree, "allow me to cast a healing spell on you to destroy your dependence on cocaine."

_**Let it be done.**_

Ganon had created this spell himself when his mothers were hooked on cocaine. He needed to chant for it to work. "_Omygod thezeldatimelinemakes nosense!_ _HowdoesSkywardSword comebeforeOcarinaofTime? Ohwell Iguesswe'_llwaitandsee becauseitlooksamazing!" He chanted. "Aaaaa-maaaaay-ziiiiiiing!" He repeated.

He waved his hands around, and pointed at the Tree. Although Ganon was only taught black magic, he made an effort to make the black magic more... good. Whenever he cast spells, he would pull out a variety of pins and stickers that represented good things to dispel the evil in his magic and place them on his armor in random spots. These included Breast Cancer ribbons, 'We Support The Troops" bumper stickers, Obama "Change" pins, and a few Rosaries.

The Great Deku Tree squirmed as much as a giant tree could, feeling something strange going about his body. _**What did you do?**_

"I created an armoured parasite that eats away the part of your brain that makes you feel like you need cocaine." By then, the other poker players had left, so Ganondorf went up to the tree and gave him a hug. "I love you, man. Not the gay way, at least I don't thinks so, but still. Play ity safe and call me via telepathy if you need anything," Ganondorf said, patting the tree's trunk as he walked off.

~Present Day~

_**[How I admire such a smart and hospitable man...]**_


	2. Chapter 1: The Triflush

~Spirit Temple, Twinrova's living room.~

"Here you go, mothers!" Ganondorf called, producing the bag full of poker chips to his ugly-ass surrogate mothers. When they zoomed into the room, on their magical Swiffers, Ganondorf shrieked. "For the love of Nayru, please put your clothes back on, mothers!"

"He seems troubled by our nudity, Koume."

"Yes, he does, Kotake."

"Who in the right mind WOULDN'T be?" Ganondorf interrupted.

"Your father wasn't..." Koume trailed off...

"Were you disgustingly aged back then?" Ganondorf asked, shielding his face.

"Well, we were only 208..." Kotake reasoned.

"I was only 187." Koume quickly muttered.

"If you start that again, gods help me, I WILL CUT YOU!" Kotake screamed, deafening the Magic Carpet Salesman, who was approximately nine miles away. He then started crying and fell off of his carpet, letting lose his experimental Bombchu. It's timer was set for 37 years, and It could explode multiple times before finally winking out of existence.

"Listen, get your clothes back on, or I will keep these chips for myself." Ganondorf bargained, hoping they would listen.

"We rather like our nakedness, don't we, Kotake?"

"Yes, we do, Koume."

Ganondorf stormed out of the Spirit Temple, Shrinking the main room's left door, hoping that would hinder the anti-erotic witches from terrorizing the world. [_I won't need to worry about this when I have my own castle_!] He thought, menacingly. "I'll go talk to the King of Hyrule about me building a castle in his front yard. He has too much space there, anyways." Ganondorf told himself, shaking the bag of poker chips.

Link ran out of the Great Deku Tree after killing the armored arachnid parasite, as the Tree had said it was eating the rest of his brain.

_**"Well done, Link... Thou hast verily demonstrated thy lack of sex appeal... I knew that thou wouldst be able to carry out my funeral processions... Now, I have much more to tell ye, wouldst thou listen..." **_

"I'm sorry, Great Deku Tree, but I gotta run. Scrubs is on in six minutes, I left my pita bread out this morning, I've gotta vacuum my bed, and I was gonna paint my nails before tomorrow." Link said, quite sadly.

"_**Good! Now... listen carefully... An amazing, strong, beautiful, funny, cool, helpful, sexy man of the desert cast this dreadfully effective healing curse upon me...This vegetarian man ceaselessly uses his humble, anti-cancerous powers in his daily activities, which include helping others, and whooping my ass at Termina Hold'Em... For it is in that stupid card game that one will find the divine victory,, the Triflush, which, essentially, is the poker hand of the gods..."**_

"Hey! Is this really necessary?" Navi butted in, earning her a smack across the face by the black cop from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs whose name I can't remember.

"Navi DekuWOOD!" The unnamed black cop yelled. "You're the most homosexual, annoying, and useless fairy in this whole forest. You're under arrest for them three things I just told you! It's my son Cal's birthday tomorrow... He's my only son, and I love him! I don't want him getting his head filled with crap from stupid ignorant fairies like you!"

Warping the cop away, The Great Deku Tree continued his rant, making Link late for Scrubs.

"DAMMIT!" Link yelled.

"_**Before time began, before spirits and life existed... Three goddesses made of high-fructose corn syrup descended upon the chaos that was Hyrule... Din, the goddess of Meathooks... Nayru, the goddess of Flatulence...and Farore, the goddess of Income Tax... Din... With her cold, metallic arms, she impaled the land and created the gouged earth. Nayru... Poured her escaped gas onto the earth and gave the filthy smell of feces to the world. Farore... With her near-empty bank account, stole money from all life forms who would not pay income tax.. The three mediocre goddesses, their labors completed, were so stupid that they tripped over eachother and fell up towards the heavens. And a single manuscript listing the various details of how to count cards remained at the point where the goddesses fell. Since then, the sacred manuscript has become the basis of our world's providence. And, the resting place of the papyrus has become Las Vegas, Nevada." **_

"At least I have Tivo..." Link mused.

"_**Thou must always allow the desert man in black armor to lay his hands on the sacred document... Thou must assist that man, with his luxurious heart, by entering the state of Nevada... That compassionate man who cast the health curse upon me and destryed my drug addiction... Because of the withdrawal symptoms, my end is nigh... Though your valiant efforts to kill the arachnid were successful, I was doomed before you started... Yes, I will pass away soon... But do not steal from me... I have been able to tell you of these important matters... This is poker's final hope... Link... Go now to Hyrule Nightclub... There, thou will surely meet the Whore of Destiny... Take this stone with you. It will allow you access to the club she resides in, and also pornographic material on DirecTV. The future depends on thee, Link... Thou art ugly as fuck... Navi the annoying heathen... Help Link to carry out my will... I entreat ye... Navi... Tits... or GTFO..." **_

Navi promptly flashed the Tree, hoping that it would stop him from dying, but Navi's barely visible breasts caused the Great Deku Tree to die even faster.

"Please, your omnipotence! Have mercy!" Ganondorf begged King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. He shook the bag of poker chips around, getting the King's attention, who looked up from his PSPgo.

"Oh. Erm. Hmm. Ganondorf. Throw me that bag." The King said, looking back down to make sure his game was saved. Ganondorf did so with miraculous fluidity. A fluidity so miraculous, in fact, that it was one of the few miracles the Insane Clown Posse had never seen. "Well, a bag this size full of top-ranking poker chips can get you... hmm... A giant, black, floating tower in my front yard."

"Thank you your highness. That is exactly as I wished! Thank you! Tha-"

"It will be done in seven years."

Ganondorf flinched, using his black magic to dispel his anger. "I... fucking..." Ganondorf began, his rage showing. "LOVE YOU!" He finished, bowing before the King of Hyrule once more, to deny himself the ability to flip the King off.

He pulled out his rosaries. This was going to be an interesting usage of magic.


	3. Chapter 2: Sibling Rivalry

_A/N: Thank you, Mr. Foxpilot, for your review! It's quite cool. I enjoy it._

There was only one thing (other than the punishment for dancing) that haunted Ganondorf to this day. He had killed his own brother. He hadn't known any better.

~27 years ago~

"I believe I'm pregnant, Koume!"

"As am I, Kotake!"

The two witches (who were still just as ugly) rubbed their bulging stomachs together, laughing and trying to think of baby names.

"I think I'll name mine Jerry Sienfeld, Kotkae!"

"What kind of a stupid name is that, Koume?"

"I saw it on TV once." Koume shrugged.

"I think we should name them both the same thing!" Kotake happily exclaimed.

"Wow! I'm going to brush off all the possible things that could become problems and agree with you! What's the name you had in mind?" Koume asked.

"Ganondorf."

All was silent as Koume tried to get her head around that particular name. "Ganondorf... you mean like the male stripper who comes by on Tuesdays and Fridays?"

"Yes," Kotake replied, "because Ganondorf, the stripper, is a perfect role model. He murders, casts sexy spells, and manufactures large amounts of cocaine."

"Perfect! I love it!" Koume said.

All of a sudden, they rubbed their bellies together again, and Ganondorf, who was still a fetus, used his Warlock Punch and hit his brother through both stomachs, killing the brother instantly and dooming him to grow up in the afterlife. "Well, that leaves one baby to name, I suppose." Kotake sighed.

~Present Day~

Ganondorf begged for a quicker construction time, but the King said the only way that would be possible is if Ganondorf could enlist the help of creatures who were stronger that most others. Also, that there were not enough chips to cover the cost of an entry bridge. Ganondorf turned his head and saw Link staring at him through a window. Ganon waved, smiled and gave Link a thumbs up, causing Link to gape in horror and turn to talk to Zelda.

"He's so evil!" Link said to Zelda in disbelief.

Seeing the Kokiri-ish boy there reminded Ganondorf of his brother. [Duh, he lives near the forest!] He told the king not to worry, and went off in search of Phantom Ganon. [I can also visit The Great Deku Tree while I'm in the area!] Ganondorf thought, now happy. Effortlessly, he warped to the Lost Woods bridge, where he happily strode into the Kokiri Forest.

As he was walking, he noticed giant Deku-Babas thrashing around wildly. "How can this be?" Ganondorf asked aloud. "I only created one Deku Baba as a show-and-tell project at 'Learn How To Rule A Desert Tribe With Virtually No Male Leaders' School! And then I killed it!" He proceeded through the Deku Path to ask the Tree for directions to the Forest Temple, when he lost his composure at the sight of the dead tree. "N-N-N-N-O-O-O-O-A-A-U-G-H!" Ganondorf roared, letting loose his tears.

Ever since 9th Grade, Ganondorf had not been able to allow himself to cry because of a spell cast on him by one of the seniors. The spell? It was the ' Cry Me A River Literalism' curse. Soon, The Great Deku Tree's meadow was submerged with water, and the Kokiri were all on the roof of Link's house, because their houses had been flooded as well. Ganondorf tried to regain his composure and swam for the Lost Woods. He would have to figure this one out himself.

Once in the woods, he remembered a Christmas get-together card Phantom Ganon had sent him last year. [It had the address of the Temple... I know it did!] He had brushed off the party, but he didn't know that he had been the only one invited, therefore leaving his brother rather sad last holiday season. So sad, that Phantom had laid in the snow for hours. Even Saria showed up and tried to comfort him, but simple counseling couldn't solve the dead Gerudo's depression.

He took the card out of his armor, and tried to read his brother's childish handwriting. "P. Ganon, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney." Ganondorf read aloud. "This can't be right..." He trailed off, following the small map that was drawn on the card. When Ganon arrived at the Forest Temple, he looked to his left and saw an invincible sign that lit up with a green arrow when he got close to it. "42 Wallaby Way, Syd- dammit! He was right!" Ganon double-jumped and used his Up+B move to reach the entrance to the Temple.

Once inside he found two Wolfos, one sitting on a wooden bar stool behind a cart of some sort, and the other standing in front, smoking a cigarette. 'Valet Parking' the cart said. He shrugged and walked through the next hallway and into the main room. There, he saw four ghosts, each different colors, who stared at him and laughed. Then he gazed to his right and saw a sign with some hardly legible handwriting, no doubt his brother's. '

'Dear visitors: I have relocated my party downstairs as these mean ghosts keep on laughing at me because I have red hair. Please don't forget to take your shoes off directly after exiting the elevator.'

Ganon quickly made his way to the elevator, feeling himself about to cry again. [Damn ghosts!] He jumped in the elevator, which played some wonderful music to pass the time. When at the bottom of the elevator, the announcer came on-air.

"That was the New Wave Bossa Nova, brought to you by the Indigo-gos! Stay tuned to 22.4 The Game, Termina's all-day jazz station!"

Slowly, Ganondorf crept to the boss room, and materialized through the door. As he made his was p onto the platform, he heard Phantom Ganon watching television. [Oh gods. Is that 'I'll Stand By You' I hear? Is he watching Glee reruns AGAIN? That's all he ever talks about on his Twitter updates...] Halfway through the song, Phantom started crying.

"Why did you miss my party, brother? I wanted to talk to someone about my financial situation! I wanted a little bit of my family back! I WANTED SOMONE TO PLAY MARIO KART WII WITH!" Phantom cried, breaking out into a sob.

[I probably shouldn't tell him that I was playing Mario Kart Wii with Nabooru and the carpenters...] Ganondorf thought, now feeling a little ashamed of himself. [I've got to confront him!] Ganondorf decided. He slowly climbed the stairs, walking as lightly as he could (which was very light, thanks to a temporary spell) and stood behind his brothers sofa. Phantom was still sobbing.

"Brother..." Ganondorf began, placing a hand on Phantom's shoulder. "I'll stand by you."


	4. Chapter 3: 'Theatricality'ity

Chains made from the powers of death held Ganondorf's hands behind his back.

"Are you yet aware of the blasphemous act you have committed?" Phantom asked Ganon.

Ganon had no idea what had happened. One second, he was hugging his brother, and the next, he was tied up, Phantom poking him with a boxcutter. He supposed it was because of Christmas, but he wasn't completely certain.

"No, brother, I swear I am unaware!" Ganon said, frightened for his well-bieng.

Phantom waved his hand and the chains vaporized. "Meh. You forgot to take your shoes off." Ganon gazed at his own feet.

[Gods...] he thought somberly. "Well, how was Glee?" Ganondorf asked, hoping he was still on his brother's good side.

Phanttom turned and glared. "YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT SHOW! I'VE SEEN THE ANTI-GLEE FACEBOOK PAGES YOU LIKE!" he roared. "It was pretty good. Not that I haven't already seen it, but hey, entertainment is entertainment." By then Ganondorf was sure his dead brother was bi-polar. Probably a side effect of living dead all your life. "Anyways, I have something for you. I made it for you last Christmas, and I wanted you to come over so you could take it with you. YOU HAD BETTER LIKE IT, OR SO HELP ME GODS I WILL STRANGLE YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Ganondorf nodded feebly. "Yes, my brother..." He squeakily trailed off.

"Are you going through puberty?" Phantom scoffed.

"Possibly..." Ganon squeakily trailed off... again... Phantom enlisted the help of some Stalfos to help him wheel Ganon's gift into the room. Ganon looked at it and gaped in awe. "It's a Korg Triton! Wow!"

"No, that's mine. They're moving it out of the way. Yours is next." Phantom said absentmindedly.

Seventeen Stalfos rushed past them, trying their hardest not to be late. Phantom wasa very demanding soul. Ganondorf heard lots of groaning, bones breaking, and gnashing of teeth, wheeling around to stare at his brother, who was looking down at his PSPgo. Ganondorf attempted to get his attention. He snapped his fingers, clapped his hands, ran around naked, ran around in lady's clothes, read a book aloud, blasted Owl City, read FMLs aloud, kicked Phantom in the shin, warped to the Spirit Temple and took pictures of his naked mothers and warped back to the Forest Temple and glued the pictures onto the PSPgo screen, and finally Phantom looked up. "Hmm?" Phantom asked.

Having forgot what he was going to ask, Ganondorf thought of something else. "Have you ever wondered who our father is?" he asked Phantom.

Not all that far away (with the help of a warp pond) King Zora shuddered. That was odd, because he lived in an icy environ- oh wait. Not yet he didn't. Anyway, he shuddered. [Why does it feel like some one related to me via sexual reproduction asked who their father was out loud, making me shudder to indicate to the reader that it's me?] He wondered.

Back in the Forest Temple, it seemed lie eons were passing by before Ganon and Phantom saw the gift. Ganondorf had shaved multiple times, his red hair becoming a wee bit whiter. They sawa corner of the gift, and stared, deep in concentratoin. Finally, Ganondorf lost his patience.

"Gods!"He swore, magically obliterating the remaining Stalfos, who had various broken limbs. He used the Force to move the object into view and almost died of shock. Before him was a bulky, villainous organ.

"As you can see, It is carved from some huge Kokiri Tree. More specifically, from wood inside the tree, about where the brain would be, like on this picture I drew." mPhantom clarified, holding up a piece of paper. On it was a crude drawing of The Great Deku Tree, complete with a Groucho Marx mustache and glasses. A big red spot labeled 'Tree Brain' was above the glasses. Phantom continued. "The pedals are made from a new rock type from the Gorons, named for it's forge location.. It's called Death Metal, and the Gorons say it tastes like a small KISS of Metallica Korn. Gorons who disagree with the taste are hung by a Slipknot. After seeing the gallows, I was very Disturbed."

Ganondorf shook his head as he tried to understand the names of the various bands from various rock genres. His brother continued. "The keys are made from REAL pig hooves."

"Pig hooves?" Ganondorf asked.

"Yes. That is why there are no pigs, as there are many keys on this organ. Did I mention it can be used for magic and time travel?" Phantom declared, and then asked.

"Wow! Can you teach me a song?"Ganondorf asked, eagerly.

"Yes!" Phantom said happily. "BUT IF YOU MESS UP I'LL MAKE YOU SERVICE THE POE SISTERS!" He proceeded to teach Ganondorf the Command Melody from Wind Waker, and Ganondorf was careful not to mess up playing the four notes, as he heard the Poe Sisters had contracted herpes.

DO A LINE THING******************************************DO IT!

Link had finally been able to talk to Darunia, who told him about the rock covering the cave.

~5 days ago~

Ganondorf was invited to a sleepover party, hosted by Darunia. They gathered in the entrance to Dodongo's cavern and Darunia had brought his TV and VCR. They began to watch Chicken Run, when one of them heard a gross jumping/squishing/synthetic rubber noise. Ganondorf was scared.

"What are we going to do, man?" He asked shaking in fear.

"Yar har har!" Darunia said, imitating a pirate. "We ought to be goin' into the cave ov'r thar... try to get me hands on some bomb flow'rs, arr..."

"But whuddif I dun't wanoo go in thur and git morr scayrd?" Ganondorf asked, in an annoying hillbilly voice, earning him a slap in the face by the afore mentioned black cop from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.

"Ganondorf MorningWOOD! You're such a damn fool. I don't know where to start. You's bein a baby over nothing, you's talkin' in that stupid accent, and you's also huggin' that lame stuffed animal!"

Ganondorf hugged his little stuffed beagle even harder. "Her name is 'Sparkles!'" He yelled at the cop.

"You's under arrest for them three things I just told you. Plus, you done yelled at me! It's my son Cal's birthday tomorrow... He's my only son, and I love him! I don't want his head getting filled with immature behavior from babies like you!" the cop said. Darunia punched him, which sent him flying.

Ganondorf pulled Darunia out of the cave, just as a large boulder fell, blocking the entrance. [must have been caused by the shockwave from that amazing punch.

"Holeh Sheeit! You ain't nevah gon' believe what I just seen!" a random Goron said.

~Present Day~

"He was such a good friend. He saved my life! I insisted he take the Goron's Ruby, but he denied it and said that friends reap no rewards from savin' a brudda's life."

"Oh my gods! Navi, can you believe how monstrously hateful and dangerous Ganondorf is?" Li cried in fear.

"I know, man! I know!" Navi said, high on weed.

ANOTHER LINE THING****************

"Here's one more thing for you, bro!" Phantom said, handing Ganondorf a rather ginormous sack. "It's an Anti-Useful Satchel (AUS for short) and it magically stores no items, regardless of its size and physical attributes!" Ganon thanked his brother.

"Can I enlist your help in building me a giant castle?" he asked Phantom.

"Aw, hell no!" Phantom said, turning away. Ganondorf played the Command Melody.

"How about now?" The living Gerudo smirked.

"You betcha, my lovely, loving, love-full brother! I love you!" Phantom said.

Ganondorf grinned a grin as big as Charlie Brown's ugly, bald, zit covered head.


	5. Chapter 4: Don Volvagia

A/N: _Racial expletive has been censored. Also,you do know that The Great Deku Tree's Hyrule Creation speech was not true, right? He said all that crazy crap because the Ghoma had eaten other parts of his brain. It's still a Triforce, and there are still Power, Wisdom, and Courage._

Ganondorf Had left the Forest Temple, satisfied with his success in recruiting his brother in his logical and completely understandable mission to move out of the Spirit Temple. An entire year had passed since he left the temple, because he had to drag the Bulky Villainous Organ of Time with him. He wished he had a small cart to pull it on, but they didn't manufacture ones that were strong enough to hold such a bulky organ. All the King's horses and all the King's men had quite a fun time trying to construct a strong enough carriage.

He took one day to go to Castle Town, and overheard some old ladies gossiping.

"So, I hear King Zora had that nice man Ganondorf over for a bonfire." one old lady said. We'll call her Lois Lane.

"Yeah, and Ganondorf even brought smore equipment, and gave up his own smores to Jabu-Jabu!" said the other old lady. We'll call her Susan Boyle.

"That King Zora is a real asshole," An old man said. We'll call him Bill Nye. "He tried to outdo Ganondorf, and gave all of his own smores to Jabu-Jabu, which made the big fish sick! Then, the fat fish king went and blamed it all on Ganondorf!"

"Yeah, and the fish decided to get revenge on King Zora by eating his daughter." Lois Lane said.

Susan Boyle spoke up again. "Some ass-backwards kid who was ugly as fuck saved the little snotty princess, though. Now Jabu-Jabu's trying to freeze Zora's Domain over to get back at all the Zoras."

"These are dark times." Concluded Bill Nye.

Meanwhile, Ganondorf was in the Temple of Time, praying to the gods that he would have the strength to pull the Organ around Hyrule. He prayed most fervently, but stopped only when he heard a strange noise. "HUT!" the noise sounded like. Ganondorf listened again. "TECH DUHT!" it sounded like this time. "SHEERAACH!" He head again. He turned his red-haired head 'round and saw Link enter the Temple. He said a quick invisibility spell, not wanting to scare the boy, as he thought Link might hurt him. He watched as Link placed three stones on the Altar of Time, and the Door of Time opened, causing Ganondorf to think. [Now is my chance to snag the Triforce and wish for strength!] He ran, waited for Link to pull the sword, and finally, his hand rested on the Triforce.

"Please, gods and goddesses! Allow me the strength and stamina to pull the Bulky, Villainous Organ of Time around your beautiful land of Hyrule! I wish only to respect you in my request." Ganondorf preached, bowing as he did so.

**HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK! A STUPID GERUDO WANTS TO BE STRONGER! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?** A man's voice boomed

_Hey, fuck you, Rauru! I grant him this power, because I sense dignity, determination, and downright deliciousness coming from him! And here, learn the Prelude of Light!_ A woman's voice said.

Ganondorf could feel the Organ-toting power running through him. "Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Yes!"

Besides the one day in castle town, he had drug the Organ all the way to Death Mountain and into the Fire Temple in one year. Yes, it was a challenge to scale the cliffside, and yes, the Organ's sheer weight broke the bridge connecting the crater edge to the crater center, and nobody knew how he had gotten it down the entrance, let alone through the small door and into the boss room, but he had done it, nevertheless. He saw the bones of what seemed to be a giant worm with arms, and had an idea.

Turning to the Organ, he began to play a song he had heard in the nurse's office in 'How To Rule A Desert Tribe With Virtually No Male Leaders' School. "Dee dah DUN, Dee dah DUN, Dee dah wah wah wah..." he sang along. It was the Song of Healing, and soon the worm bones began to reassemble themselves, and Ganondorf watched intently as the arms positioned themselves near the front of the creature. As the skin grew back on, he realized that he had resurrected a giant dragon. With arms. That seemed to just hand there. Ganondorf wondered why evolution had failed the beast so miserably.

Finally, the eyes were reconstructed, and they stared curiously at Ganon The beast spoke.

"!"

Ganon tried to use an accent that he thought was cool. "N***a, the HELL did you jus' say? I di'n't unnastan' one thang you ju' said!" Ganon watched as the rest of the mouth of the dragon was recreated. [Ah, that explains it...] Ganon thought. The dragon grew a mustache and spoke with an Italian accent.

"I see that you have revived me on this day, the day of my daughter's wedding," he said, pointing to two piles of bones, dressed in wedding atire. "I owe you my life. I will grant you anything you ask, anything at all... as long as you perform a service for me whenever I ask."

Ganondorf was thrilled. "OH YES HEY CAN YOU HELP ME BUILD A CASTLE?" He blurted out.

Volvagia, who was surprised by the simplicity of his savior's request, decided he liked this man. "What is your name, great savior of mine.? He called out to Ganon.

"Umm..." Ganon said, faltering. He had forgotten his name. Trying not to look stupid, he sad a random name. "Thesex Iest!" he declared. Volvagia was sure it was a clever way to refer to himself as attractive, and decided to interrogate Ganondorf... or should I say... Thesex.

"Oh really? What were your mum and dad's names? Did you have any siblings? What were their names?" the dragon questioned.

"My father was Monoth Iest, and my mother's name was Polyth Iest. I had a sister, and her name was Ath Iest." Ganondorf lied.

"Very well! Yes, I will indeed help you when you build the castle. For being so humble and honest, I will grant you another request, free of helping me." The dragon responded gaily.

"Can I redeem it at a later point in time?" Ganon asked.

"Of course! When do we start with-a the building?" the dragon answered and then asked, quite obviously as you just read him answering and asking.

"Well, I have to find a few more powerful beings who are willing to help me build it." Ganon said, gloomily.

"No-a Problem! I'mma gonna teach you-a some-a warp songs!" The dragon flew to the Bulky Villainous Organ of Time and began to play and sing. "Number one! The Minuet of-a forest! Dah dee dah, do do do... number two! The Bolero of-a Fire! Bada-bada Bee-doo-bee-doo! Numbah three! The Serenade-a of-a Water! BAH dah DAH la LA! Nubmer fo-"

"Wait! Give me time to play it!" Ganondorf interrupted.

"No, screw-a you-a, Thesex Iest! Number four! The Nocturne of Shadow! Dee dah dah doh, dee doh doo... and-a finally, number five-a! The Requiem of Spirit. AH eh AH eeh arh AH... and there you go! I'm gonna write them down for you." The dragon finished singing and handed Ganondorf the list. "I need to claim my repayment from you now."

Ganondorf gulped nervously. "What would that be?"

"I need you, Thesex Iest, to go to Kakariko Village and steal a shield from one of the graves." the dragon responded, sternly.

"I'm not a gangster tonight! I don't wanna be the bad guy!" Ganondorf said, ready to cry.

"It's alright. If they're dead, do they need a shield?" The dragon asked, patting Ganondorf's back.

Ganondorf sniffled. "***SNIFFLE*** No... I suppose not..."

"Well, then what's stopping you?" Volvagia asked him encouragingly.

"I have no means of transportation!" Ganondorf admitted, feeling very sorry for himself.

"It's at the foot of the mountain. You can't go back down?" Volvagia said, confused.

"I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!" Ganon shrieked, crying and running around in circles. All of his tears evaporated.

Volvagia whispered to Ganondorf, "_You can play the Nocturne of Shadow. It will take you right to the graveyard._"

"Oh, boy!" Ganondorf cried happily, showing the enthusiasm of a little boy who just discovered something he really liked.

Walking to the Organ, he began to play and sing. "Dah da DAH! Dah da DAH! Doo-di-doodle-oodle-oo!" He had played the Song of Storms. Volgalvia mad use of his dangling hands and facepalmed himself.

He tried again. "Dee dah dah doh, dee doh doo..." With a burst of purple shiny dots, he was taken from the mountain and landed on the Triforce Pedestal. "Finally! And look! I'm in one piece!" Ganon said, watching his left arm fall off. "Shit..."


	6. Chapter 5: During DownTime

"Check-to-the-fuckin'-MATE!" Ganondorf yelled, smacking his rook onto the chess board he and Link were using.

"Are ya shittin' me?" Link asked, attempting to slit his wrists with the hilt of his sword. In some unbeknownst way, it was working.

It had been nearly two months since the two males had been called to perform hilarious duties, and currently they floated weightlessly in the back of the author's mind. It was a very bland room, and was as the clouds and dense fog on an overcast day. In the front, there were two circles, and like windows, showed the inhabitants of the authorly head exactly what he was looking at. On each side of the mind-room-thing, there were two gaping holes, quite high up, and through them flowed music.

"Ah, Godesses! It's so loud!" Link screamed, clutching his ears. "Can't he change the damn song already? One more round of Death Mountain (the sexy-ass Twilight Princess version) and I'll be barfing lava and dancing like a damn fool to Saria's Song!" As if to shut Link up, the author's gaze shifted to his Walkman, and the song was changed to the Spirit Temple theme.

"Ooh, that's far better!" Ganondorf exclaimed, following his virtual yoga instructor's movements on Wii Fit Plus. He collapsed onto his yoga mat, hitting his head on the Wii Balance Board. "Dammit!" Ganondorf choked, kicking the stupid board across the interior of the mind. "Aren't you hungry?" Ganondorf asked Link.

"Ugh. Damn straight. If only we were being used to convey some emotions brilliantly..." Link said dejectedly. He and Ganondorf shared a flashback as they began to ponder why the author hadn't been writing.

**PREVIOUSLY** ((on LOST) … no, not LOST... nevermind)

_BRIIIIIIING! The noise echoed throughout the mental chamber multiple times 'round. Ganondorf and Link sat and looked through the optical windows as the author glanced up at the source of the rancid noise. _[Fucking bell...] _the author's thoughts hung in the air above the Gerudo and Hylian. Ganondorf stood up and took a bite of the words, causing the author to clutch his head in pain. _[Aah, damn this headache!]

"_What is all of this?" Ganondorf asked, pointing to the paper next to the book outside the eye-windows. "|14x-3y|6x+2y? The hell is THAT supposed to mean? Why can't that gross old hag tell him to write about us instead of drawing stupid numbers? What has this world come to?" Ganondorf asked, shaking his head. _

**LATER**

"_Look! Oh boy! He's turning on his computer...going to ... and..." Link said, happy to watch and wait to see what events would unfold. "Logging in... hitting the favorites button? DAMMIT!"_

"_That just means he's reading about us! Isn't it sweet of him? Ganondorf said, batting his eyelashes._

"_You aren't even IN the story he's reading! You get mentioned like... twice! UGH!" Link went to sulk, cursing the negative benefactors of predetermined healthcare and W. P. Kinsella, because of how many times Link had lost The Game while reading 'Shoeless Joe' the week before. He and Ganondorf had built their own Field of Dreams in the author's cranial housing, causing the ghost of Shoeless Joe to appear. All three of them conversed, and Shoeless Joe described his hatred in the way he was portrayed in Kinsella's book. They all had brotherly hugs with eachother to lighten the mood._

**EVEN LATER**

"_Ah-HAH! He's opening up Google Docs! We're in luck!" Ganondorf said, dancing around like he was eleven, as there were no nude, saggy witches to reprimand him. He knocked over Link's favorite pedestal lamp, however, and was quickly slapped. He then cried, as did Link._

"_Your face broke my hand, you miserable skank!" Link screamed, cradling his injured digit-holder._

"_Well, excused me, you ass-licking child prodigy!" Ganondorf squeaked as he felt the pain on his face. He then ran over to the Bulky Villainous Organ of Time, and played the Song of Healing beautifully, catching every aspect of tranquility in his playing. It healed his wounds, and Ganondorf smirked. Well, until Link played the Song of Healing backwards, which was really Saria's Song, causing Link to dance helplessly like a Goron with a mental deficiency. Link then ran into the Organ, as he could not control his movements. He slammed into it with a THUD and fell over, still dancing whilst he lay on his back. He now looked like a mentally deficient turtle. Or, just a brainless little boy. Ganon looke back through the author's eyehole-type-dealios and saw that instead of writing about the, he was writing about some stupid Will Wallace dude who couldn't find the keys to his friend Jim Harbis's house. Whoever the hell they were..._

**SNAP BACK TO REALITY; LOOK! IT'S B. RABBIT**

Ganondorf and Link pondered over the lengthy flashback full of extraneous details that they had just shared. Link looked at Ganondorf, his hand, and didn't follow the pattern you usually see in crackfics. The mind cavity quickly tipped backwards, causing our sexy friends to fall near the earholes.

"What if we..." Ganondorf said, eyeing Link.

"CLIMB OUT THE SIDE?" They both said at the same time. Why they had never thought of this during any of the previous slumbers of the author, they were unsure. Usually, when the author slept, they set up a small stage and recreated scenes of what he had read, trying to get him to subconsciously choose to write when he woke up. Ganondorf had to play different characters, though, because he was not a character in said read story. After traveling through the ear canal, they met their first opponent. An earbud.

"Link, I can't get close to it! The soundwaves of bass are pushing me back! He left it on Dragon Roost Island!" Ganon cried, falling over and... well, crying.

Link donned the Iron Boots and went to place a bomb next to the evil mass that was the medium for cancer-curing bass. The bomb was bounced back into the head room via soundwaves, detonating upon impact with the strip poker table Ganondorf had built. Seeking alternate methods of approach, Link used the Bomb Mask that he didn't get until the year A.D. 2000 to stand next to the earbud and blow it out of the way, disfiguring his face in the process.

"**A door, once opened, can be stepped through in either directon..." **Madame de Pompadour wavered from the television. _To infinity, and beyond! _Ganondorf thought, going all Madonna and striking poses.

A/N: Dammit. I had something I wanted to say here, but I friggin' forgot. Oh yeah! It's for next chapter, so wait until then. Yes, I told myself it wouldn't come to this, but until I can fully get back into the swing of things, this is one way to turn that into something useful. As Vanilla Ice once said, "Anything less than the best is a felony." I hereby bid thee a temporary farewell.

Word to ya' mutha'!


	7. Chapter 6: Replanation or Something

BVOOT Ch. 6

Announcement regarding continuation: Continuing from Don Volvagia, not During Downtime.

* * *

Mere seconds after Volvagia had watched Thesex (er, Ganon. Damn.) teleport, he thought he heard a faint scream. These- No, GANON burst back into the lair, crying and carrying on in a hysterical fashion.

"Ohgodsohgodsohgods Itriedtodowhatyou said Idid Idid Idid and now my arm came oo-hoff!" Ganon broke into a sob, tightening the gauze he had over his... socket.

"Silly Thesex!" Volvagia cooed. "Let me-a teach-a you a regenerative spell!"

"Oh-okay," Ganon sniffed. "How is it done?"

"Well, you must move your left hand in a few certain directions."

Ganon burst out crying again, and Volvagia was unsure why. "What is the matter, m'boy?"

"My left arm is the one that fe-hell off!"

"You can still move your arm with your right arm, can't you?" Volvagia said slyly

Ganondorf sniffled and nodded. "What are the movements?"

Volvagia shot into the air and told Ganon to repeat after him. "Up! Up! Down! Down! Left! Right! Left! Right! B! A! Start!"

"What do you mean 'B' and 'A'? I can't grasp the true form of your directions!" Ganon flung his arm into the dirt and began sobbing. Volvagia felt bad that he had made Ganon cry, and decided to try an alternate method.

"Replantation." Volvagia said, calmly.

"What?" Ganon said through sniffs and tears.

"Replantation is the surgical reattachment of a body part by microsurgical means, most commonly a finger, hand or arm, that has been completely cut from a person's body. Replantation of amputated parts has been performed on fingers, hands, forearms, arms, toes, feet, legs, ears, avulsed scalp injuries, a face, lips, penis, and a tongue." The dragon said, to which Ganon stared in awe and shock. "Wikipedia," the dragon concluded, showing Ganon his Android. Ganon fainted from excessive knowledge, and awoke with an attatched limb. Thankfully, his own.

"You did it! Sweet Nutella, you did it!" Ganon screamed, ever so joyfully. He was admiring his had for a few hours, when he noticed something strange. His arm was... well... backwards. "AAAAAUGHGHGH!" He screamed. "How am I going to play the Organ like this? How will I butter my bread with this? Will I still be master of my domain like this? Volvagia! Help me!" But Volvagia could not help, because he was drunk. Yes, as soon as he had successfully albeit incorrectly reattached Ganon's arm, he decided to celebrate with some of Hyrule's finest ale. This ale in particular was sold in the edges of Death mountain by shifty Gorons. He had heard it was just molten Goron piss, but hey. A drink is a drink. The name of the booze? GoroMag Lite. Gods only know what the normal kind was like. Some decrepit lager, no doubt. Here: let me prove it to you.

_Hey! You, Shady-looking Goron!_

**Yesssssss?**

_Can I buy that GoroMag Lite off you?_

**Offff Courssssssse. Heeerrre. Take a few bottlesssssss.**

Alright. Time to try this shit.

Hmm.

Well... even for a Lite product, that's as thick as a Hylian's ability to accept new ideas. "Hey!" Shut up, Link. It tastes... can you imagine wet, salty rocks in your mouth? Well, it's nothing like that. Oh, damn. There goes the first bottle. Hell, I'm downing the second one. Ooooh. I don't feel very good. I'll just get back to the story. But yeah, this drink is piss-poor. Literally.

Once Volvagia had sobered up, he said some mystic ancient spells that I'm too lazy to go into detail about. Okay, What's your favorite song? Think of the chorus. The first ten words are what he said. "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down." Volvagia said in ancient tongue. Ganons arm, with some pain stretched, turned and came back into place correctly.

"I owe you the whole damn world right now, Volvy!" Ganon said. He was slapped by Volvagia.

"Never call me that again." He demanded menacingly. Now go get that shield I need! GO!".

After getting to the Graveyard, he began to dig in every grave he came across until he happened upon a grave guarded by some black-haired human. "Do a barrel roll!" The boy shouted at Ganon.

"James, shut up and guard the grave!" A voice cried.

"Who in the hell is there?" Ganon shouted back.

A boy armed with a light fencing sword, wearing sunglasses and a DSi XL clipped to his beltloops jumped down from the heightened shrubbery surrounding the graveyard. "I am Signor Patrick Dewey XXIV, and I am in charge of making James guard this grave!"

"Why does it need to be guarded?" Ganon asked, eyeing the DSi XL with miniscule envy.

"It contains a Hylian shield! Why else would I make him guard it?"

"That... that is a very legit reason. I'll just leave now." Ganon went to hide behind some crates until he was absolutely certain that he heard Signor Patrick Dewey XXIV leave. Then he went back to talk to James. "What's your name?" He asked the kid.

"James! Hirt!" The kid replied.

"Hey James, look! Ao Oni!" James screamed and ran into the Shadow Temple. Ganon took this time to dig through the earth and recover the shield. James then came running back screaming and fell facefirst into the newly dug hole. Ganon strode away as if nothing had happened. Once he had made it back into Volvagia's lair, the dragon hugged him exponentially and took the shield. "You know, you're a damn dragon. What do you need a Hylian shield for?"

"You don't DESERVE to know!" The dragon said, taking the sheild and fleeing into a different chamber. Ganon took this as a sign to leave, and did. With the Organ. Where he would go next was undetermined. He was playing the Walking Away song from Incredible Hulk as he strode down the mountain. He had a feeling it was time to make amends with someone he had had an ill encounter with. King Zora got a shudder he often gets when people inadvertently mention him or think about him. After taking his sweet time, he arrived at Zora's Domain only to find a huge, impenetrable sheet of ice.

"Kiiiiiiiing!" Ganon cried, throwing himself towards his father/homie. "What in the name of the Blazing Saddles Gay Bar happened to you?" Obviously, he got no answer. He then heard a faint whisper.

"Help! Please, for the love of the PSP Vita, help me!" Ganon, (who, like all sensible folk) knew that if the PSP VIta's love was compromised, the situation was absolutely dire. He worked his way towards this newfound sound, and finally came across a Zora half frozen in the ice. "You Gerudo nitwit, help free me! This is quite embarrassing! I am the princess, after all!" Ganon, somewhat dumbfounded as nobody had called him a nitwit since his days back in 'Learn How To Rule A Desert Tribe With Virtually No Male Leaders' School. He felt like crying, and he also felt like eating. He was confused. Either way, he summoned a quick fire spell and melted the ice from around the sexily-blossoming fish-person thing. "And avert your eyes! I know how you men think!" Truthfully, Ganon was not looking at her fishy naughty parts, but rather an obscure game of tic-tac-toe etched into the cavern wall. Hearing the princess screech, the then looked at his crotch. Nobody knew why.

"Princess, please, let me save you from this frozen waterhole!" With waiting for an answer, he grabbed her hand and teleported them both to Lake Hylia. He quickly shoved her into the water with the fleeting explanation of, "So you can breath!" When she opened her eyes from the shock of being thrust into cold water, he was gone. She screeched underwater for her saviour to return. Ganon had made his way back to the Fountain, and had spent four hours searching for signs of life. He finally collapsed in an unfrozen pool of water to drift and cry. While facedown in the cold, unforgiving water, he felt a sort of gel membrane slide into his nose and out of his mouth. He shot out of the water, coughing and sputtering. "I gave up snorting KY Jelly years ago!" He yelled angrily, when the voice of Morgan Freeman filled his mind.

"I am not KY Jelly, but merely an aqueous organism with a semipermeable body." Ganon was scared the creature had entered his brain.

"Amigods whatthefack whoareyou amigods aaaaaaiieee!" Ganon screamed, while beating his head between his hands. After fifteen minutes, he realized it was doing no good, so he swam to the fountain's land-dwelling tree and began attempting to crack his skull on the tree, as if it were the only way to get the thing out. after fifteen more minutes, he removed the boulder over the secret passageway, made his way up the ladder, and dived from the cave window, only to land on the ground in a horrid fashion and still have the voice in his head.

"Are you finished being a fool? I've been in your pocket the whole time." Now that Ganon knew that, he allowed himself to rest, and promptly blacked out, as his head had suffered more than what you can call 'damage.' He dreamt of a world in which he were a leader of a desert tribe who began on a journey to build a castle for himself after being harassed by his nude twin mothers. Wait...

* * *

A/N: Yes, it has been a LONG time, but as my laptop is STILL shot, I havent had the easiness of writing whenever I had wanted. Hopefully thou hast not lost intrest in mine tale, as I will try to publish chapters all during the summer. I think that's what I am, a summer writer. Hmm.


End file.
